One Of Those Days
You know when somebody says they are having “one of those days” and you know exactly what they are talking about because you have had one too? I am having one of those days. Living for Christ, in Christ, is just as much of a choice when we feel it, as it is when we do not. That is was I keep telling myself anyway. To be transparent, I am not feeling it right now. At the moment I have shut down, am burnt out, and really feel like I have nothing left to give….just like so many times before. Yet, here I am, still going, keeping moving. History tells me, that I have gotten through this before, and I will more than likely do so again. You have to get through the Two Towers before the Return of the King, deal with the Empire Strikes Back before Return of the Jedi. Either I really am a moron, an idiot, a big buffoon, or something inside of me, deep within, two doors down then take the third on the right, truly believes there is something to continue moving forward for. Right now, I just do not feel it man. I love the idea of quitting, scenes play in my head on loop of what it would be like to walk away from everything, friends, ministry, life, forsaking it all to lay in a fetal position, like a giant baby, surrounded by darkness as I fade out of existence. Then a voice inside in my head that sounds similar to mine, makes statements which question worth, and in the moment I listen to them, making matters worse. Lies that say I am not good enough, that if I were better looking, did things differently, was somebody else, then maybe I would be loved or be something. These cut to the core, and bring me down lower, almost as if I try to see how low I can go. Emotional limbo, only there is no winner, eventually I come back to truth, this is not my first rodeo, I am not a beginner.
This at times is the reality, especially for those of us who are in Christ. Some days we will want to give up, desiring more than anything to quit. Being a believer does not always take away depression, emotional pain, or negative feelings, but it can provide us comfort during it. Although I feel despair right now, what I know tells me I will get through this somehow. I have been here before and I will be here again, but that is okay because I know this is part of the process and not the end. While my flesh may run a muck inside trying to slow me down, I am in Christ, so I know life is not about the rate I move, but the fact that I am moving. Here I am, feeling sad, and beaten, my only consolation is that I cannot be defeated. I will get past this, there is no questioning that, and while the pain I feel is intense, a lifetime of pain, is worth it when you have the hope of an eternity without it. Even for Christians, life is not always pretty, and can be just as messy No amount of discouragement will take away my position in Christ, I just have to keep being reminded and encouraged by the truth that there is more to life.