“I’ve Always Been a Fool”

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Some Nights

Sigh…there are some battles I just cannot win. I admit defeat on this one. Then again I always say I admit defeat when it comes to this battle, yet somehow I carry on as one who was not permanently defeated. I did lose tonight. This dilemma was not a moral, ethical, or even legal one, but the kind of situation that comes with being human, almost all face what I am facing, at some point or another. What makes the situation so awful though is, not the what now’s, but the what ifs. I could hear the joy in his voice, guys do not sing like that unless something, or to be more accurate someone, has ignited such a passion in them….and the jealousy sets in because you wish the reason he sang would not be his reason, but yours instead. My flesh tells me why he is so undeserving, things I know, things I have seen, yet the Spirit says “Chris, you are just as undeserving, you fiend.” I then come to that point, a struggle between the figurative high and low road. My flesh tells me to take the low road, go down, pity myself, give into my jealousy, I have the right, I deserve it, go down, go down, go down, pulling and tugging trying hard to drag me in. It is then in refute, that the Spirit urges me to consider the high road, pleading, go on, go on, go on, in an attempt  to convict and convince me that the only way is Him. So here I stand at a crossroads, which shall choose, I do not know what to do. I have two directions, but one choice. Ryan Adams “Come Lift Me Up” looks awfully damn appealing right now, his melancholy tones of heartbreak and sadness to feeding my self pity; on the other end His grace, His love, and healing found after defeat, your position in Christ which is bigger than any moment you are weak? Which do I choose, the descent into my flesh, or the ascent of my faith? Knowing the right answer, and acting on it are two different things, still, I know the right decision and the hard decision are often one and the same. As for me, what the hell, I have to press on. If this person cannot get through the shallow shores and see the vast depths, maybe they are not someone I should be spending time with anyway. It is better to be alone in Christ, than with someone without Him. My heart hurts, and as my flesh likes to do, it uses emotions of the present defeat, to remind be of past failures, and while my flesh tries hard to tell me I am defeated (I certainly feel like it) the Spirit reassures me I am victoriously on my way to completion. Yes this sucks, not to mention, boy does it hurt, but I will get it over this, He will pick me up, and I will continue the battle, fighting the fight once more. In the words of Sherlock Holmes, “the game is never over.”  Like Edward Bloom, I am a fool and I will continue despite being foolish.

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About Chronology of Chris

-In Christ -Student of Life, Theology, Philosophy and Education -Avid reader (C.S. Lewis, Alvin Plantinga, Francis Schaeffer, James Sire, Martin Luther, Luis de Molina, Gordon D. Fee, David R. Anderson, David Kinnaman, Arthur Conan Doyle, Charles Schulz (Peanuts), Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes), Hunter S. Thompson, Douglas Adams, J.R.R. Tolkien, Jean Paul Sartre, Soren Kierkegaard, etc.) -Amateur philosopher -Field researcher for this privilege called life -Defined not labelled -Silly, yet serious -Knowledgeable and experienced -People over facts( facts have their place), souls over figures -More than an "about me" box can contain -His will, not mine
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