Long time no see. This post is a little all over the place as my brain is still frazzled from the new and exciting adventures I have found myself mixed up in. Who knew going to college could be humbling? After my first week here at Emmaus the Lord is already teaching me new and valuable lessons.
Like Bilbo leaving the comfort of his hole without even a handkerchief, so did I Waukesha. It was real, and it was good, but it was not real good. A little jest. . .
First of all this school is great. From the professors to the teaching, I never realized what and exceptionally solid school this is. Adding to that the versatile body of believers from a wide variety of lives makes this truly a blessing to be a part of.
God has been better to me lately than I deserve. Knowing Him having nothing I must learn what it is like to know Him having something. This is His life and sometimes I abuse it in ways I should not. Regardless He loves us and always meets us where we are at, we just have to embrace Him. As a person I can be at times be very arrogant. As with anything knowledge and experience can be badly abused when taken out of context. Being at school has taught me I really am not as smart as what I tend to think I am. Humility really is a new quality for me. Certainly it is something we all struggle with though.
It all started with fear. Two weeks ago the paths cleared, the doors opened, and the opportunity was completely made available for me to attend Emmaus Bible College in Dubuque. After two years of fighting the fight, just living for the Lord, figuring out what was next, what was next had finally arrived. This was scary. Our flesh will literally cause us to cling to nothing if it means keeping us out of the will of God. Despite my reservations I packed up my life, said my goodbyes, and eventually arrived here.
Whenever I enter a new social situation I become very intimidated. It has never been easy for me to meet new people, so as a result I try to find ways to be above it. They cannot judge me if I am above them right? My mind has always been of value to me. At several points I have “felt” as if that were all I had. Wanting to place myself on a plain above social encounters often I would carry a book wherever I went or even find some method to attempt to appear intellectually superior. A miserable business if I do say so.
There are several flaws in what I did, making it anything but harmless. Instead of trusting the Lord with my fear I trusted myself. What did that result in? It resulted in a pride causing me to have broken fellowship and community with people and to a degree God. The exact opposite of what we as believers are called to do. On top of all that “feelings” of inadequacy caused me to find my identity in something other than Christ, which in and out of itself is enough to turn a person sour. We often associate pride with external manifestation of ability or talent, but it also can come in the form of self pity and fear. For me my fear drove me to pride. The truth is while I feel inadequate that does not mean I am inadequate. I know that in Christ He has made me fully adequate. A catfish can believe it is a giraffe but it is still a catfish. Same thing for believers, we can believer we are inadequate but we are still in Christ despite what we believe. It all comes down to becoming less like us and more like Him
More than likely this is not the end of it and I will have to deal with it as arises further down the road. Every new journey, physical, mental, or spiritual all begin with taking that first step. God has given me a lot of first steps lately and I am excited beyond a doubt as to where those roads may take me. This new phase of life is exciting and I am sure the Lord has plenty in store; all it takes is being up to it. Often what is hard and what is good are one and the same. Praise Him for His provision and His grace to work with us despite our humanly shortcomings.