I finally decided to edit a blog, instead of writing straight through. Mind you it is still rather early in the morning, and I more skimmed than edited really, so we shall see if my efforts prevail.
Human beings can be their own worst enemies, however the beauty of that is, being the enemy of ourselves, we possess the inside scoop on the strategy of us against us. Our minds are complicated, very complicated. Fortunately if anybody knows anything, they will tell you that just because something is complicated it, hardly means it is impossible to understand. Theoretically let’s say the more difficult something is to accomplish, the more worthwhile and developing of character it is. Running with this idea a dash further, as believers this should be practice and experience not just theory. Savvy?
In my life I have seen my fair share of demons, and as far as flaws go, I can compete with the best of them. Brilliantly enough my position in Christ eradicates those flaws from being any sort of label upon me. Because I am one with Christ I no longer have to be bound to any of my prior downfalls. At the same time though just because I am a believer does not mean they go away. Growing in our walk with God takes a lot of work. Gardens do not miraculously spring forth, nor do buildings suddenly erect themselves. What we are given though is the potential. God has given us the tools and ability, now it is our responsibility to use them.
Think about our problems as a mathematical equation. Since I hate math in all forms I am going to uses the simplest equation possible. 4 is the answer, but how did we get to 4? We know 4 is the symptom, however the symptom is not the problem. Somehow someway we have to come to a point where we learn that 2 + 2 is the problem, with 4 being manifestation of that problem itself. Same goes for us. Find why we deal with what we deal with and alter the actions that are a result of such. We have the answer we just have to find the problem.
Often I talk about not avoiding coincidences. I do not believe in coincidences so when something becomes a recurring theme, more likely than not, God is trying to tell us something. Relationships have always been a tricky subject for me. Growing up, what should have been normal healthy relationships with my parents and figures in my life were anything but. As we grow as people, especially when young, that is the template for who we may one day be. My template for relationships, platonic or romantic, was skewed. My dad was non existent and I had a mother I could not please. Where normal children would receive comfort, I was the recipient of fear. Experiencing relationships in ways God did not design them to be experienced, caused me to respond to relationships in ways God did not intend for them to be responded to.
Fast forward to today. Over the past few years I have struggled with self destructive behavior, especially in relationships. While it has gotten better by miles, a remnant I was not able to put my finger on until recently still lingered. What does that look like for me? For me that means in a majority of relationships, when I have cared or been cared about, I have become vulnerable. Vulnerability is tough for normal human beings, and it is doubly so for people scarred from the relationships that made them so. So once vulnerability comes, you do what you can to end the relationship, either because you feel as if you have either failed or been failed. So instead of rolling with the punches, you flee, because some part of you feels exposed, leading to reasoning for termination of whatever causes you to see it as said way. Self fulfilling prophecy instills a lie as if painful relationships are the way things were meant to be. In turn you become less compassionate and somewhat bitter, in attempts to establish barriers that are desired to prevent hurt.
In a nutshell that is what I have gone through. A few weeks ago I wrote about dependency and vulnerability, having no idea those things would be the two plus two that made my four. I believe our relationships with other human beings can and does reflect our relationship with God. For me not only did self destructive behavior commence in my earthly relationships, but I could also see areas of which it was impacting how I relate to God. Lack of dependency results in vulnerability, and vulnerability produces the barriers of self destructiveness. In just three processes you can see how lack of dependency on God leads to full dependency on yourself. Can you see where all these things are beginning to connect?
I wish I could change the record, but as I work through these things I see how they are intertwined. Lack of dependency ended in self destructiveness. A common and well known fact is that our flesh wants nothing good for us. So when you are dependent upon our human side you cannot fully and effectively grow in your spiritual. If you want to fastest way to distance yourself from God, is to draw close to yourself. When we live in our position in Christ, things like vulnerability mean nothing. Obviously with still have emotions, but and eternal mindset sees momentary hurt as just that, momentary and minute in light of forever. The world sucks. It is marred and warped, and some days may even leave us wondering why we try. What I do know though is that while this whole Christ thing is hard, it will never ever not be worth it. Yes I say that a lot, and despite those moments I do not feel it, I know it and will continue that say such.
Yes I will probably still have aftermath of this to deal with, and I cannot imagine it will be a habit that is easy to break, but the first step in any problem, is to figuring out what that problem is and how to deal with it. Relationships, with others and with God is what it is all about. Nothing else. So if it takes combating ourselves for the sake of connect with other or God so be it. God has given us brains, and the insights of so many people, question is, what problem is He presenting for you?